If We Were Having Coffee…

If we were having coffee, we’d be in my favorite cafe, The Espresso Bar, and I’d be drinking the best chai latte I have ever had called the chai way to heaven. It’s the chai latte of the gods. We’d sit down at the table in the middle of the dining area with the chess board. The best table in the house. After we took our seats, I’d tell you why I haven’t written any new stories in the past month. For those who truly know me, you’ve seen my serious face. I don’t show that face very often because it is the side of me I hate to bring out. Many terrible memories come with my serious, no bullshit personality.

I would look at you with my serious face and tell you I’ve been busy lately. That and I’ve had a bit of writer’s block. I would tell you that I have relapsed into the darkness. You would then put on a questionable look or if you know what I’m talking about, a look of concern would appear. I would continue my story nonetheless, not caring if you understood me or not. I had recently flew back to my parents place in Virginia. Winchester was a place I used to call home, no matter how much I hated it. I’d then tell you it was the place itself I hated, not the people. I went home for one reason and that was to help my friends. For the most part, it was a pretty good week. I visited my favorite band director and got tips on how to play the bass guitar. I spent a few days with one of my best friends since middle school. And those who know him, know that this friend can be a bit of an ass, however, I enjoy hanging out with him because no matter how bad he may treat me or how much he insults or makes fun of me, I know that he will always have my back. He supports me in almost all of my decisions and is completely honest with me. During my trip he did something I, nor anyone who knows him for that matter, would expect. He gave me an early birthday celebration and bought me a coconut cream pie, my favorite pie, and a Legend of Zelda journal to write in. This is the same friend who has known me for 10 years and never remembers when my birthday is. The last time I asked him when it was he thought the month it was in didn’t even exist, so the fact that he did that was a big deal to me. It meant that no matter what, our friendship would never wither away.

As we sit there sipping our drinks, I would then remember that I went too far off topic and get back to the main story. I was glad and flew back to see that friend because he was one of the people I was worried about, but not as much as some others. I spent time with 3 more friends during that week. One goofy guy who was down on himself last time I saw him because he didn’t believe in himself. He felt insecure because he felt that what he wanted to do with his life wasn’t as meaningful as his other friends. He wanted to be in the FBI while his friends wanted to be engineers. I told him that he shouldn’t feel bad because what he was doing was kickass and just as important as his friends stuff. I mean, he’s going to be a cop. That’s not only cool, but a noble and courageous profession. In return for lifting his spirits, he made me feel better about myself for some problems I had been going through. That weekend though, he had been as happy as can be. He had some girl troubles and we talked about it, watched a movie, and left him in good tidings. The last 2 friends were harder to help, I’m afraid, and I would soon tell you about the reason I’ve been so down.

The next friend of mine was a guy I love hanging out with because we get along so well and I feel like he understands my pain more than most. He was a bit depressed because of his college classes and he was having trouble with this girl that he was crushing on real hard. He loved spending time with this girl and became sad when she suddenly stopped talking to him. Turns out that girl’s sister had just been diagnosed with a serious illness and was deeply distraught. Not knowing that girl’s family struggle at that time he asked her something he regretted because it made him seem like a dick, which made him ashamed. We spent a lot of time together that week, however, when I left he was still in bad shape. I failed him. He also helped me bring happiness to another friend that week. A girl who fell so deep in the abyss of darkness that she made a bed there and slept in it all the time. She didn’t want to move. I don’t blame her all that much because I was the same way in my childhood. Except I walked through the darkness, instead. Even found the edge once. Almost jumped. This girl’s father had just died and she had no one to talk to. She had no real friends. On top of that, she hurt herself and was the most insecure person I’ve ever met. She had no self-confidence whatsoever.

I would ask you, “Have you ever met a gorgeous girl who thought they were ugly?” That was my first time and no matter how much I told her she was not ugly, she didn’t believe me. One day in that week, she had skipped school for a few hours, yes, she’s in high school, and my other friend and I drove her around town. We had a good day. And I could tell she had a great time. But her happiness was temporary. The warmth we showed her, the amazing light that overcame her darkness whisked away just as fast as it came. I failed her as well. I flew back home to Tucson knowing that I had failed to help 2 of my friends. I had the warmth of the desert sun on my back and felt cold.

At this point, you would probably tell me that I shouldn’t feel bad. I tried my best and that’s what matters. That I told them what I felt they needed to hear and now it’s up to them. Well, I would tell you that that’s bullshit. You may tell me that their problems are not my own, but to me, that not true. I don’t see it that way. I see it as my friends are in pain and I need to do everything in my power to make them happy. Even if it makes me sad. I have this ability that I’ve been cursed with since birth. The power of empathy. I feel the emotions of others and my emotions are affected by them. This past week, I had a chat with a friend about her depression. She didn’t show it, but she was so depressed that she wanted to cry and I knew that because I spent much of that day with her and even though it wasn’t a bad day for me, I felt stressed and empty inside and felt like crying.

As I finish the rest of my chai tea and take a moment for you to take this all in, I would tell you about something one of the most influential people in my life had said. This person is Cory Matthews from the TV show Boy Meets World. He is now in the hit TV show Girl Meets World. On the show, her taught the audience and his history class the secret of life. And that secret is that people change people. I would explain that people’s lives are determined by those who surround them, and that people’s happiness, love and strength come from others. That secret is like playing guess who with someone you barely know. It’s like trying to solve a riddle on the app of your phone. It’s like playing ‘Who’s That Pokemon’ back when you were little and you barely knew any of the Pokemon. Once you saw the person’s face, or spent points to automatically answer the riddle, or waited for the commercial break for them to tell you what Pokemon it was, the answer seemed so freaking easy. It makes so much sense right then and there that you feel like an idiot for not knowing it.

I would tell you that I live a complicated life. Not just because of my own problems, which are more than I care to admit, but because I take it upon myself to support the lives of my friends and family so they can live one filled with more joy than my own. Am I a good person? No. I’m just a dumbass who doesn’t have anything better to do. A guy who’s soul is tainted by guilt and sadness that he feels he will seek redemption by helping others. Actually, that’s not very accurate. Is my soul tainted? Yes. Have I done bad things. Yep. Do I seek redemption? No, I don’t care for that. I just feel that helping others achieve a joyful life is the right thing to do, so I do it. Meanwhile, in doing so, I have ended up making myself feel a little depressed and it’s affecting my school work, my writing, and my time with my friends who do nothing but make me laugh.

At this time, I would stare into my empty cup and wish I had enough money to buy another. I would then lighten the mood by putting on a smile and telling you about this cute girl I met on my flight and about the fun time I had with my parents and my old boss at the museum I used to work at. I would look and ask you for advice on what I should do and finally realize that you were never there to begin with. That you were just a figment of my imagination. Then the entire cafe would dissipate into the air and leave me back in the tiny park next my dorm. I had been staring at the stars when I drifted off to sleep around 4 am. Then I’d walk back to my room and go to sleep for another few hours until I had to get up for class. That dream would be pushed to the back of my mind, soon to be forgotten.

I apologize for my readers for not posting a story this time, however, this technically was a story. I usually would never share any of these things with people I thought couldn’t handle it, but I know not many people actually read my blog, so it wouldn’t matter anyway. And that it is my blog and I don’t really care at this time to reveal a bit about myself. This is something that I needed to get off my chest and hopefully, in doing so, some people have gained something out of this story. I have no idea what that should be, but I have this strong vibe that this post might be a tiny bit helpful to someone somewhere besides myself. Expect plenty of new stories to be posted this month and my usual joking self. To my friends and family…thank you.