A Decade of Meditations

I want to write an anthology of prose and poems about the last decade of my life. Everything I have learned, felt, struggled with, thought and never said, wrote and never published, seen, experienced, dreamt. These pieces are shards of my past.

Little Victories

I love my friends.
They are the best people I know.

When I recovered from my seizures a couple years back, they took me out to dinner. When I told them I found an illustrator for my comic book, they cheered for me and let me change the server name and picture on our group chat to whatever I wanted. When Andy beat a videogame after five months, we all cheered. When Steve moved from his small, boring town to Tucson, we had a party. When Bre got her first hangover, we high-fived her, lightly. When anyone of us do anything slightly impressive, we all yell “fuck yeah!” When I realized that I had gone a whole year and only went to the hospital once as opposed to the normal three to four times a year, we toasted to my health and drank the night away.

I love my friends.
Get yourself some friends who celebrate.
Even the small victories.

*********

Half-Dead

My body’s decaying like a withered soul
My heart can choose to give up and explode
But I’m fine…
I’m just half-dead
Everywhere but in my head
I’m not as tall as the demon rising in my dreams
I slip and let it out
Every now and then
‘Cause my blood’s bursting at the seams
So does it really matter how I choose to fall?
At the start of it all

Don’t worry I’m fine…
I’m just half-dead
I’d always spend my childhood nights
In my bed, wishing I couldn’t feel
Or hear the voices in my head
Never knowing what to do
Except bottle it inside
Murder my emotions
Burn my tears before I cry
From this monster torturing my hope
As it tries to help me reach for the sky

Like I said, I’m fine
I’m as half-dead as I was back then
An empty shell, wishing to be in hell
At least there I would’ve belonged
Instead of being treated like a ghost
Whispering along
Until one day I was captured
By some crazy laughing bastards
With spiritual awareness
Who lived like they couldn’t of cared less

They awakened me
Let me see who I could be
Without the mask
To say and think all that I believed
Allowed me to laugh
Introduced me to a whole new world
Turned my magic into radiance
I thought it would forever be noir and cold
Slicing up my soul to be sold
Electrifying my brain from making any sense

Though I was new, I was half-dead
In the mirror were two hosts
The mask and the ghost
Occupying the same lifeline
Occasionally at the same time
If you consider having your heart and your mind
At war when there’s little to fight for
Then I was fine, just half tainted
The half of my soul dipped in midnight was where my demon painted

Since then, I’ve been trying to keep the balance
Like a grey Jedi
Still reaching for that boundless sky
Even when these seizures impair my vision
Scalpels, as I sleep, alter me with ingrained incisions
I don’t falter from my missions
Gotta keep the hosts in check
While my body tries to wreck
Itself
With its reaper blood
Dragging me down in a hopeless flood

I won’t ever surrender
But I admit to the answer
That I’m half-dead
May be gettin worse
Little I can do to stop this god-given curse

Even so, I will not go without a fight
You think my bark is bad, wait till you get a taste of my bite
Time to tap into the side of me that’s full of light

Don’t worry, I’m half-dead
But I can evolve
Go through another transformation, just a slight alteration
My soul is on that divine transportation
To the field of dreams that we can’t see
But we can feel it and hear it
Like Jeanne d’Arc
I will aid
Those whose flames are fading away
Because they have a better chance at happiness than I ever thought I did
And with the life I’ve lived
I know it’s possible to obtain
But there’s no need to strain yourself
Or restrain your belief
I’m here to let you sigh a relief
Put your trust in me
And I’ll do my part as best I can
Time to make those dreams come true
Grasp them with my dead-living hand

I’m half-dead
But I’m always ok
‘Cause that me that you see
Will carry on
And with whatever I do
I do it my way

*********

Trade Keys

I wonder, “what do you see?”
When you keep gazing at me
I’m not anyone special
Yet you like to gift me mental hugs
And grant stability

Why do you feel like…
You have a dim light?
Singing a song on a music box in a D minor key

Your smile shines so brightly
But I know it betrays you slightly
I know
You’re wish

You know I feel tired
As I continue to realize
The warmth for all
But me

I know you have
A golden heart that’s
Chipped by those too close

You’re in situations that drown you in an abyss

I wonder, “What do you see?”
When you keep gazing at me
I glance at you and your angelic radiance
Yet your wings are so weak

I cannot tell why
You feel so dispelled but
I think we should
Trade keys

I wanna see
If you’re leaning towards me
I’d like to know how you’re chained down
Maybe I can set you free

Don’t think that I’m
Doing it for my dime
You mean so much to me

Living life would be better with you here

I wonder, “What do you see?”
When you keep gazing at me
Is our connection like a mirror
Or is it yet to be seen?

You’re reaching
For us to be a team
I wonder,
If you knew what was behind my door
Would you want to trade keys?

*********

Judges

I know we talk about a lot of things about our lives; sex, money, family, work, dreams, doubts, everything of the kind. And you’re welcome to open any door within me. Meanwhile, the one to my love life is one I won’t let you see. You all are so judgmental and opiniated that sometimes it makes me feel alienated. And every time I tell you about my recent dates, you have a look of disapproval all over your face. Why should I jump off the road that’s paved so well just because you don’t like the caster of the spell? I never feel confident introducing my girlfriends to any of you for hearing you call my exes “immature bitches” is what I’m used to. However, I’ve realized that even though you all are harsh and have incredibly high standards, you just want the best for me, so I should give you all a chance. Especially, the two of you, L & B. I know you both love your friends, which is why this story is more for you than it is for me.

*********

Game

I enjoy being around you

And I know you feel the same

Your presence is refreshing
Breathtaking
Sane

We can watch movies, TV
Eat dinner, have coffee

We’ve had fun together before

Because we fit so well

And we can do it again
But anything more

I’ll have to let you know
That I don’t think it’d be wise

I’ve seen this pattern too many times before

I’ve played this game

It’s not some complicated art
You don’t mean it or realize what you’re doing

That I know
I can’t play it again
I’ll have to let you go

If you want to try again
I need to know the reasoning inside your heart

Or I’ll say no

Before we start

*********

The Pirate Life

Life is like the sea. It’s terrifying; full of mystery within the unknown; difficult to navigate; gross and murky in some parts; clear and beautiful at others; full of danger and mirages and bountiful rewards. I’m terrified of the sea. I’m not that great of a swimmer and the cold could literally kill me. And yet I still decided to commandeer my own ship and set sail on my own. No one to navigate for me or tell me how to steer. No one to influence my decisions. I was able to carry my own compass and find out what I truly desired. At first, I was alone. Aimlessly charting through rainstorms, getting hailed by waves of darkness and ship-cracking lightning. I thought I’d go insane drinking rum with no one but my scattered brain. Until one day I met a friend at a port tavern observing the world go round. And I offered my hand to them that we could live out our own journeys and curiosities. Ultimately, we could charter our own destinies. From that point was our official start. We stopped at every port since then and we made a new friend before we embarked. Now I had a motley crew whose desires became mine and mine theirs too. We voyaged through each island and coast and haunted isle for whatever we sought. Whether it be booty or treasure, romance or adventure, knowledge or parties, we’d be together for it all. And at some point, I had realized, while sharing my rum, through our swashbuckling quests and scurvy tomfoolery, the sea was not as daunting as it used to be. We didn’t sing “Yo ho” because every pirate should, we cheered “Yo ho” because we were pirates that could.           

Turns out, the pirate’s life for me.

*********

Lost Muses

To all the women I’ve loved before

I still think about you all

Mostly our time together

For you all impacted my life

And your memories are now treasured

Within pieces of my heart

Still being melded back in place

Wherever you all end up

I know it will be full of love and joy

Because I will not be there

To make a mess

Cause you stress

Someone better will be there to address

Your needs                                       

Wants

And worries

Help you reach your desired glory

So, when any of you cross my mind

I smile knowing that you all are someplace

Where your lights can shine

*********

Life as Me

I laugh, laugh, laugh every day
Laughter’s the medicine keeping me sane

I refuse to kneel to conformity and what’s easy, I will keep walking and try to be no one but me

Now I never said I was cured; my darkness is too great to ignore so I don’t and use it to be me more. I accepted my shadow and walk alongside it

Casting it out will just make my life shit

Dance to the rhythm of optimism, then you’ll notice life is worth livin in

Biannually, death taps on my shoulder
I slap his hand and tell ‘em
Back off fool, can’t you see I’m busy?
I’m here to improve the welfare of my company
Sit down, grab a drink, leave my crown on the table
You don’t get my attention until our relationship’s stable.

Until then, watch the show, let the series end
When that day comes, to my kingdom, I’ll gladly descend

*********

Step-Brothers

Brothers are just like

Stepbrothers.

The only difference is that

The latter requires

More steps

To climb in order to

Truly get to know each other.

*********

Universe

I missed your birthday dinner, but I called dibs on paying for your food. You appreciated it, said it was like I was there. We both know that’s not true but thank you. You said it wasn’t necessary, I begged to differ. You do so much for your friends at the cost of yourself and it was time the same deed was done at the cost of someone else. You’re an incredible friend and you deserve friends who are equal or better, not worse. I know you have your girlfriend and she is your world. But remember we, along with me, are always here for you, to be your universe.

*********

Drastic Subtleties

I was skyping my buddy Andrew late one night. And he had told me that he thought I had changed since the day he first met me. I told him that we’ve both changed over the years. Especially after leaving for college. He said, “No Maze. Yes, we both changed but you especially. I’m just less of a dick.” In that regard, I agreed. But had I really changed that much? I asked him, “Can you describe it?” He gave me an example. It’s like when you’re doing work or playing games or binge watching TV at night and then you look outside and all of a sudden, it’s morning. I was baffled. That’s how Andrew saw my change? Night and day were complete opposites and yet the way he described it had the notion that the transformation was subtle. He didn’t notice until he looked out the window.

At one moment, I was the night
Mysterious
Unnerving
Always hiding something in the shadows

Then, I was the day
As open as a book
Approachable
Every side of me was lit up

As the night
I loomed through life like a wolf through the trees

As the day
I flew towards the clouds like a hawk with its wings spread out

As the night
I was a harsh gale
As watchful as a cat with a noir coat
My Chemical Romance masked my soul

As the day
I settled to a warm breeze
A playful pup at the park
Disco grooved off my aura

As the night
A crescent of light enveloped me

As the day
My brilliance enveloped others

Andrew looked out the window not once, but twice. And then three times. He continued looking out that window as if sifting through a notebook with a sketch on every page. That sketch was of me. And if you look at the first sketch and the last then you may automatically see the differences. Like Andrew. But if you are me; then you’ll see the sketch walk over the pages and never truly realize how each page evolved you slightly more than the last.

*********

Aubade

Since I was born my eyes have been black

On documents they’re brown

But that’s just not true

Demons took my eyes

Replaced them with a gothic hue.

I used to like my eyes

The stained windows to my soul

People told me they changed color

Blue, purple, I always hoped they’d turn gold.

But that was not my fate

I had changed course

My soul was as dark as Death’s horse.

I lost interest in my eyes

Told people not to look

The shadows swimming in the darkness left them shook.

After years of spiritual meditation

And soulful enlightenment

I awoke today with a magical present.

My eyes surprised me with a break in reality

Mocha had come through

Now I know dawn has come anew.